Will you blow on my dice?
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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