are you so shy because you have an std?
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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