thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Too much gin, very little bucket
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
