Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
