I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
