watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Randomize
