I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Randomize
