i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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