Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
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