Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
How drunk are you?
Completed.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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