I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize