My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
