I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
how do you play pong handcuffed?
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Randomize
