Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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