just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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