I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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