Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
