Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
he shaved USA in his pubs
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
