I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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