it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
