Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
