You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
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