Do you still have your period?
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Randomize
