i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
