tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
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