You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize
