Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Randomize
