A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
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