I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
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