I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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