ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize
