we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
