You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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