Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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