I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
