I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Randomize
