can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
