1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
I did not marry a roomba.
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