doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Randomize
