he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
