nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Randomize
