it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
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