On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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