Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
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