I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Randomize
