My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
