69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
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