I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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