There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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