He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
