Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
