Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
