First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
