you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
This is classic penis vs brain.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Randomize
