Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Randomize
