too bad you live with your parents still
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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