I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
